should i go?

went to bed at 9 pm and woke up like 11.30 and couldnt sleep for a while, i listened to my brothers breathing and wondered, are they awake too? But nah they were sleeping.
Yesterday my parents bought a shoeshelf, my brother was building it when i came back from the sunday work. He wasnt there yesterday, that was kinda good, i dont know how to react anymore when he's near me.

You should dare more, becca said. You have to put in a move this week. Naah i said, i let it be, knowing i'll regret it later in my life for not daring. But it's so hard. How should i do? I mean i've never done it before and i dont want someone that doesnt like me like i like him, and if he likes me he can ask me out right?

When i came to work this morning i saw him as usual sitting there in the lunchroom. He saw me, I saw him and we didnt turn away. I smiled against him and looked another way. When i walked in to the workarea and looked at the list of doings today and saw that i wasnt gonna work near him. Aw man i thought, and we usually work at the same spot for a whole week. It's my last week and i'm gonna work in a place away from him. The friday i got to work close to him and we joked around all the time, why do they have to split us up the last week im there? If it was a few weeks ago i would be thrilled to get rid of this job and finally have some vacation, but now im feeling sad that this will be the last week seeing him. I should try but i just cant... Im so irritated at myself, i wish i could do it.

My co-worker said something about a preparty at his place this friday, to celebrate our last week. I should go, shouldnt i? But im not really a partyperson and dont feel i belong in those situations either. I feel awkward around people my age i dont know and the only one i feel comfortable going with is becca. The others are my co-workers and we hang out but they are freezing me out, becca get along with them but i dont and for the first time i dont really care either, it's not like im gonna have to be with them for much longer, if this was a longterm job then i might get hurt knowing they dont really like me. I dont really care much about them either, i've tried but it doesnt click and it feels like im the only one trying. Well im used to people ignoring me and freezing me out so it's no biggy. I didnt care open up and show them some of my personality, i just sit there and not talk, laugh a bit at their jokes and so but no more. Im just sitting there thinking of him and wonders if he does the same.

Should i go to the party at his place? I dont know, what if he's around me, what should i say? what should i do? Omg what if im dragged to dance, how embarrasing if he sees me dancing. One thing is for sure, im not gonna get drunk. If i even drink anything with alcohole.

Hahaha when i was in eskilstuna at saturday i saw another Pop, he was short and cute too as Pop XD. He worked in a clothstore and helped my brother picking a pair of jeans. When i walked him we smiled to eachother and he said hi. Aww another Pop i thought.

Im thinking of changing my hairstyle, a lil sick of this now, this lil curly thing from my visit to china. Up it's straight and turn into curves at the end making it look crappy. But i dont wanna cut my hair, i want to grow long hair, to my bellybutton or something. I have always want that long hair but it always end up with me sick of the hair with no volume and cut it shorter, so i've never have that long hair i always wanted. Im thinking of wanting my straight hair back too, straigt and black. But im also thinking of colouring it again, with a bottle of blonde colour, just to see if i get brown hair by it XD.

Sigh i havent played on my dancepad for a while, not my keyboard either, i just dont feel like it, but i really dont want to get either of it up. I get guilty... I dont wanna quit, especially not the piano but i just dont feel like it. Sigh and when i move out to Uppsala i cant download things anymore, bleh and im not getting a tv so what should i do when i have time to spill. No anime, no films, no music... Oh man im moving out soon. Nervous yes. I checked around and saw they had training spots where there are yoga, aerobics and a lot of funny excersises. Yay! But that was the summerscheduale, and a halfyearcard is expensive -_-. But i want and have to excercise, i dont want to be a lazy sitting around. It's fun and keeps me fit XD

Im always thinking i'll die alone with no one that loves me by my side. I'll never find love, i have to get a pet do keep me company when im older.